"You are suffering from depth deprivation."  -James Finely, contemplative retreat, Tucson, AZ 2016

According to Finley, depth deprivation is the essence of addiction.  Addiction is an attempt to create a sense of connection and depth, to escape the void inside ourselves.  Depth deprivation is also the essence of most of our troubles. Trauma separates us from ourselves and others.  In the depths of depression and anxiety we are disconnected from the world around us. The busyness of our daily lives keeps us from pausing.  A pause which would allow for a qualitatively deeper awareness of the world and our connection to the world.  Our busyness, too, is a symptom.  We want to avoid the pain we feel, the anger, the loneliness, and unconsciously everything we do is a distraction from ourselves.  And of course! The unconscious does a great job at protecting us from pain.  Who wants to be uncomfortable?  Who wants to feel the pain? Conversely, when we dig deep, we may realize we even fear the joy.  The discomfort of "Who am I without this pain?"  The uneasiness of the unknown.  Yet, if we can be curious about ourselves, without judgment, and find a companion to help us through our Dark Night, we can fulfill our desire for connection and depth.  

To do so we have to pause "in a sustained, heartfelt manner" (Finley).  Naturally we do this when we are in nature, admiring art, when in solitude, in moments of intimacy, in prayer, and in meditation.  The challenge is to develop the stance of least resistance, as this connection can not be forced, but comes about through our sustained presence to ourselves and the word (Finley). It need not be perfect. Through our contemplative stance, our being with ourselves, this sustained presence builds upon itself. There is no spiritual bypassing, no glossing over the hurt by focusing on the positive.  The gift of the process is the love and understanding of ourselves, which without even realize it we express in the world.  We must have the courage to explore our depths, our pain and joys, in order to fulfill our deepest longing.  

What brings you life?  A seemingly simple question, but when contemplated upon subtle nuances and more questions arise.  "Why did my relationship not emerge in my answering?"  "Am I really happy in my career?" A regular practice can help us discover what frees and what fetters our spirit.  Finding a regular practice can be challenging. If you are atheist or agnostic, you may not want a spiritual exercise but some other ritual that brings meaning and wisdom to your life.  The examen is a simple process that can function to enhance your depth and discernment.

The essense of the examen is two questions.  Both are equally important.

These questions can be asked many ways:  "When did I give and receive the most love today?"  "When did I give and receive the least love today?"  "What was today's high point?" " What was today's low point?" or "What gave me life today?"  "What drained me today?"   If you are working on a particular issues, you can explore that with the examen.  For example, "When today did I ask for what I needed?" "When today did I not ask for what I needed?" or "When did I listen to my inner voice today?"  "When did I ignore my inner voice today?"

The first question brings us gratitude.  It reminds us of what nourishes and fulfills us, what quenches our thirst. The second question acknowledges our difficulties and struggles.  It allows us to be with difficult emotions without avoiding or disavowing them. It prevents spiritual bypassing.  Acknowledging the sharp points, as Pema Chodron aptly calls them, is essential to wisdom. The key to the examen is answering without judgment.  No answer is right or wrong.  As Rilke says, no feeling is final.

Daily reflection is an important practice to help us grow and better know ourselves. Through this examination we learn what brings us life. You can make a ritual of the examen. Light a candle or make tea and sit quietly for a time before asking and reflecting upon your examen questions.  You may choose to journal your answers, or to draw as part of your practice. Make it your own. It does not have to be a long drawn out process; often the examen can be done in ten to twenty minutes. It is also a exercise you can do with others, as a way to build connection and vulnerability with loved ones.  Over time the examen can bring many gifts. Patterns emerge and we may see how we have changed over time and what nourishes us now. The examen is a simple and beautiful practice to add to your life. 

"Find your practice, and practice it."   - James Finley


When active in an addiction, the drug (or behavior) of choice becomes the addict's higher power.  Everything is second to fulfilling the needs of the craving.  When entering recovery the individual can feel lost and empty, as ironic as that may seem. There is a void and  emotions the addiction masked now are front and center.  Nothing works as quickly or as thoroughly as the drug and the newly sober do not know how to end the distress.  Developing a spiritual practice is one way to help lead a more fulfilling life.

However, developing and maintaining a spiritual practice can be difficult for anyone, with or without addiction.  Life is busy and stressful.  How much easier is it to lay on the sofa watching television than to do something which takes intention and patience?  Deciding what we want our practice to be is just as challenging:  yoga, meditation, prayer, lectio divina, martial arts, hiking, journaling, church, synagogue, the options are endless.  If you are agnostic or atheist, you can choose a practice as well- a gratitude practice, mindfulness practice, inspirational reading .  Interestingly, even atheists have been known to pray (here, here, and here).

The newly sober are looking for something to fill the hole the addiction masked; longing for something just as intense. I tell my clients that they have to get used to being bored without their addiction, but perhaps boredom is not quite right.  Those in recovery have to get used to the lack of intensity.  Your practice likely will not bring about some wonderful, blissful feeling on a regular basis, which makes consistent practice a challenge.  Channeling all the energy that was used to act out into an intentional life is the work.  That life may not feel exciting, but the faith needed is the faith that you will find serenity.  That you will discover your authentic self.

First find something that is meaningful and/or doable for you. Then commit to engaging with it. Maybe initially you try different forms of spiritual practice until you find one that resonates with you. (I do not recommend letting this "sampling" go on to long, or your practice will lack depth that comes from long term consistency).  Perhaps you settle on reading a daily meditation.  Commit to doing this on a regular basis, maybe not daily at first, so as not to shame yourself when it doesn't happen, but a minimum number of times per week.  If you choose to sit in meditation, start with 5 or 10 minutes and build from there. Don't start with a 30 minute sit, or it is likely you will abandon your practice out of frustration.

Your spiritual discipline may grow and transform over time.  For this to happen find a practice and practice it. You will not always want to, wanting to is irrelevant.  You may not always like it.  As my yoga teacher told me, you don't have to like your practice, you have to like the result.  (Then he said not be attached to the result, but that is another post.)  YOU have the choice to practice or not to practice.  No shame, no guilt if you choose not to do so.  It is simply a choice.  It is YOUR CHOICE.  Remember, self compassion is also a spiritual practice.  How you speak to yourself is important.  So when you choose to practice tell yourself, "I am choosing to practice."   When you don't, say to yourself,  "I am choosing not to practice" or "I am choosing to watch this show with my daughter instead."  This leads to more intentionality, more mindfulness in your daily life.   Finally, choose with the knowledge that the only way to reap the benefits of a spiritual discipline is to consistently choose to practice over time. Doing so is not easy, but consistently making intentional and healthful choices will lead to a sense of empowerment and agency in life. 


Knowing is not enough,
We must APPLY.
Willing is not enough, 
We must DO." 
                 - Bruce Lee



(Photo: David Reed)