Several years ago I attended a workshop with psychotherapist, former Trappist monk, and mystic (although he would not describe himself as such), James Finley, Ph.D.  He made a profound observation about our society and the difficulties we experience: “We are depth deprived.”  This struck me as an inarguable truth. The rushing, the constant connection with social media, the comparing and competing, the difficulty being still with ourselves.  We long for something, but don’t know what and the quiet required to figure it out is too painful for many to tolerate. Especially alone.

In ancient times, as analyst and philosopher Charles Merward, III pointed out, people had the philosophers to explore the depth of our being.  This transitioned, for some into spiritual and religious realms- the rabbis, priests, monks, nuns, and other spiritual leaders.  Now it has extended to the analyst’s office.  I find that this is the heart of the work I do; examining the joys and pains of our human condition, exploring together the depth of our being. This includes the difficulty and the defenses we have to participating in this process.

In modern times anxiety and alienation are rampant. We try to protect ourselves from the vulnerability and pain of our humanness.  While  vulnerability is the hot topic these days, especially with the work of Brene Brown, PhD. (which is quite powerful), I personally found something lacking in the equating of vulnerability with emotional expression.  I have watched people use the vulnerability of emotional expression as a defense to going deeper within themselves.  However, I couldn’t place what was missing for me.  Then, in a conversation with Charles, he made the following statement that made it all click, that explained the lack I sensed: 

    “It’s not about ‘wanting to be vulnerable,’ but about pursuing a fantasy of being invulnerable. We are all vulnerable— that’s what existential fear is about, the realness of our vulnerability. 
    We all work to be secure, to limit our vulnerability. The problem is not in trying to be in control, but of mistaking what is within our power to control.  Wanting to be right, for example, is trying to control what someone else thinks, and/or thinks about you. That’s impossible to control though. You can only control what you think.
    This isn’t about being willing to cry in front of someone or something, it’s not that sort of vulnerability. Instead it’s about recognizing we can only protect ourselves so much before we experience diminishing and even debilitating returns.”

THIS was the missing piece! The other side of vulnerability.  Sharing our emotional experience is only one part of it, to truly experience the depth of our being we have to be willing to be vulnerable with ourselves, (not just the therapist).  We have to admit and acknowledge the realness of our vulnerability, consciously and unconsciously.  We need to confront the fantasy that we are invulnerable, independent fortresses. Merely acknowledging this statement makes logical sense is not enough, we have to come to understand this in our hearts and recognize it in our sense of being.  This is the first step to mastery and freedom. And what a challenging first step it is.

This is a great podcast about how we create our emotions.  While it may seem to contradict Panksepp's work, it actually fits perfectly into his model.  Enjoy! 

www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/allinthemind/the-creation-of-emotions/8576540


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It has been a while since I posted, so I decided to post this article on neuroplasticity.  Neuroplasticity is what allows change in our brain and thus in the rest of our lives.  Neurons that fire together, wire together is the old adage. Because our brain can change, through new neuronal connections and through neurogenesis, we are able to learn and develop.  Here are some ways to make neuroplasticity work for you.  ​

http://reset.me/story/neuroplasticity-the-10-fundamentals-of-rewiring-your-brain/

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I thought I had posted this video before, but it doesn't seem to be on my blog.  So as a companion to my post on depth deprivation is Johann Hari's TED Talk on the cause of addiction.  It is powerful and spot on. Enjoy!

Johann Hari:  Everything You Know About Addictions Is Wrong
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"You are suffering from depth deprivation."  -James Finely, contemplative retreat, Tucson, AZ 2016

According to Finley, depth deprivation is the essence of addiction.  Addiction is an attempt to create a sense of connection and depth, to escape the void inside ourselves.  Depth deprivation is also the essence of most of our troubles. Trauma separates us from ourselves and others.  In the depths of depression and anxiety we are disconnected from the world around us. The busyness of our daily lives keeps us from pausing.  A pause which would allow for a qualitatively deeper awareness of the world and our connection to the world.  Our busyness, too, is a symptom.  We want to avoid the pain we feel, the anger, the loneliness, and unconsciously everything we do is a distraction from ourselves.  And of course! The unconscious does a great job at protecting us from pain.  Who wants to be uncomfortable?  Who wants to feel the pain? Conversely, when we dig deep, we may realize we even fear the joy.  The discomfort of "Who am I without this pain?"  The uneasiness of the unknown.  Yet, if we can be curious about ourselves, without judgment, and find a companion to help us through our Dark Night, we can fulfill our desire for connection and depth.  

To do so we have to pause "in a sustained, heartfelt manner" (Finley).  Naturally we do this when we are in nature, admiring art, when in solitude, in moments of intimacy, in prayer, and in meditation.  The challenge is to develop the stance of least resistance, as this connection can not be forced, but comes about through our sustained presence to ourselves and the word (Finley). It need not be perfect. Through our contemplative stance, our being with ourselves, this sustained presence builds upon itself. There is no spiritual bypassing, no glossing over the hurt by focusing on the positive.  The gift of the process is the love and understanding of ourselves, which without even realize it we express in the world.  We must have the courage to explore our depths, our pain and joys, in order to fulfill our deepest longing.  

Often I hear others tell me what they need to do.  "I need to go to the gym" or "I need to eat better."  I also hear professionals, such as coaches and trainers, telling their clients what they "need" to do.  Unfortunately, telling ourselves (and others) what we need to do is defeating, adds unnecessary pressure, and inhibits motivation.  It leads to shame and disappointment in ourselves when we fail to do what we supposedly need to do.  In reality, there are few needs.  We need to eat, we need liquids, and we need to keep warm in the cold.  We have many more choices in life than we realize and we make them every day.  We are active agents in our personal sphere of influence far more than we realize.

In reality, as a friend observed, when we say, "I need to do X" we are really saying, "X is something I know I SHOULD do, but I am not going to do it.  Like with my glasses. I keep saying I need to get new glasses. I would have gotten them if I were going to do it."  In fact, we have already made the choice NOT to do it.  So, is it really a need?  If we break it down further we are not being fully honest with ourselves.  We are denying that we are choosing not to do something and we are not looking at the conflict in us that surrounds this choice.  Examining and being curious about the conflict can help us understand what is in the way of doing or getting what we want. And then there are the shoulds. Not doing all of these "shoulds" leads to us feeling shameful and unhappy in life.  We feel unsatisfied that we aren't doing everything we "should do" and feel pressure because there isn't enough time in the day to get all these "shoulds" done.  So we are left feeling empty and exhausted, as though life is passing us by without any sense of agency in what is happening to us.  

Instead, I invite you to start thinking in terms of what you want and what you choose to do.  Often, there really is not time in the day to do everything, therefore, it is helpful to discern what we will and will not do.  First, remember your goal.  "Keeping the goal in mind" is one of the key factors in willpower and motivation, as motivation researcher Kelly McGonigal states.  Then you can make an informed choice.  A choice that is towards your goal or towards a different objective given the circumstance.  It is not bad to choose opposite of your goal, as there may be something more pressing in any given situation. 

For example, perhaps you want to live a healthier lifestyle by eating more nutritiously and exercising.  It is the end of the day and you are tired.  You really want to get home and relax rather than go to the gym, but you had planned to exercise after work.  Instead of telling yourself, "I really need to go to the gym" which is not at all motivating and just adds to the pressure, realize that you now have a choice.  You can either choose to go home or choose to go to the gym.  Tell yourself, "I am choosing to go to the gym because I want to be healthier. I'll feel more energy after too!"  How do you feel when you say that versus the "I need to" statement?  It may be subtle as you read this.  

Stating what you choose to do leads to a feeling of empowerment and even courage.  It motivates us to do more because we become an active agent in our life rather than being a passive spectator while life just happen to us.  It may take some time to feel this way, but it can happen.  As your start to reach your goal, it becomes easier because you experience the benefits of your choices more directly.
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That is it, this should is a choice.  It is YOUR choice.  As I have written about before, we may not want to do something but we can choose to do it anyway. As we start moving towards what we want, it can be difficult and challenging because often results are not immediate.  Notice how you feel as you make the more difficult choice.  That feeling you get when you do something challenging is a big motivator, and it stays with you as you realize you can do what at first seems difficult.  It is empowering.  Looking at the hero's journey, it is never easy.  But by facing our challenges we learn our real strength.  If we avoid because of a fear failure (that is another post) we will not learn who we really are and we won't achieve our goals. As Joseph Campbell writes in The Hero's Journey, "The self is the whole range of possibilities that you've never even thought of.... The self is a whole field of potentialities to come through."